Angry? Why?

by sarah on October 3, 2014 · 1 comment

I feel like I have been angry lately. Not the super visible, thrashing around screaming kind of angry (my coming-up-on-two-year-old covers that territory). I’ve been the simmering-under-the-surface-don’t-test-me angry. It’s almost the scarier of the two. And it’s not one thing that I think has put me in this place.

First there are vaccines. Huh? Yep. Vaccines. The world of social media is a tangled little web. In one area you are connecting with friends across the globe, sharing wonderful life experience and finding quick bits of humor to propel you forward through your day. In other areas the darkness sets in. And in one of those dark areas are the “Anti” people. Anti-vaccine people are the ones that have really been dialing me up lately. The defense of feelings argument (As I like to call the reasoning behind not vaccinating your children if they are physically able to handle vaccinations) holds absolutely no weight with me. While I understand the fear driving this reasoning… it just isn’t sound. Science works. It’s tested. It’s proven. It matters.  …. And now your (sometimes bordering crazy) posts and quips and comments are just making me ANGRY.

Next there is lack of hustle. That’s a thing? Yes it is. Look around you today. If it hasn’t been slapping you in the face (or more likely, tripping you up during your day) you will now notice the unbelievably slow-to-act nature of so many people. Now this isn’t a North v. South thing. I’m not talking about a quick step on a leisurely walk. I am talking about the woman walking down the middle of the grocery store aisle, ignoring everyone else around her and also refusing to move so another cart can get by. I am talking about the guy on his cell phone driving 45mph on the freeway, oblivious to the speed limit and the risk he is causing. And I am talking about the snails pace that so many medical and government (not all, but many) groups handle inquiries, scheduling and appointments. It’s a lack of hustle that ties directly to a lack of awareness of others. BE AWARE! It’s making me ANGRY!

And my own choices. Um, that’s on you. Yeah, I get it. Taking a fist full of peanut M&Ms to my mouth when it clearly should remain in the bag (this is a real thing, people). Hitting snooze on my phone, fully knowing I am not going to work-out (why did I even set the alarm?). Choosing crackers over an apple. My choices. The choices I am choosing for myself, often fully aware that they are wrong, STINK. And I am making me ANGRY!

Kids not being nice to mine. Paying medical bills. Watching wonderful people deal with horrible horrible illness. Witnessing things never go the way of people you love. Being let down from those you don’t expect. Not fitting in clothes the way you want. Cleaning the bathroom only to find toothpaste splatter on the mirror the next morning. … It’s adding up to be one simmering, negative, angry lady.

And I don’t want to be.

I want to be the person who reads a quote over a stock photo image on Pinterest and feels inspired to go through my day. Those people are able to let go – move forward – see the good in everything.

Now I am certainly not dragging my feet around feeling sad and mopey. But I am kind of twitching in my skin wanting to shake this feeling.

And it isn’t about perspective. I have immense perspective and awareness of how truly blessed my life is. I want for luxuries only. I am loved and cared for. I look backwards, in the present and forward and see wonderful things. I know my life is a gift given to me. THIS is why I want to get rid of this anger stuff.

I can’t make self-absorbed individuals speed up. I can’t make extremely political people have a broader view of the world. And I certainly can’t (though God knows my prayers) change the amount of illness in the world. But I am going to try to be happier. I am going to make that choice.

The truth is you just feel what you feel. I get that. But today I am going to WORK at ignoring the anger that simmers and focusing on the happiness that wants to burst through.

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There is only one Augie.

by sarah on September 15, 2014 · 0 comments

fox augie 2 fox augie 3 fox augie 4 fox augie 6 fox augie 7 fox augie

 

The truth is, I can’t even try to imagine what my son will come up with next. Today, half naked mouse/woodland creature. Tomorrow, …

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The last year of preschool

by sarah on September 11, 2014 · 1 comment

I don’t think it matters how many times you tell yourself you won’t live through your child. I don’t think the number of times you say, “It’s good for him to have some rough times, some hardships. It builds character,” actually makes a difference. I think. No, I know. The bumps along the path of my child’s life can feel like little mountains to climb over in my heart.

Augie started his last year of preschool. And while other kids are jumping at the bit to buy new backpacks or super stoked to see who is in their classes this year — my kid didn’t even register that he had to go back, until I was prying his fingers off my clothing so I could escape the classroom on day one.

As a type A, overachieving, goody-goody… the first day of school was about as perfect a day as I could imagine as a kid. What would I wear? Who was in my class? Would I buy book covers or make them out of grocery bags? I would get to use new school supplies! I would get to use the pencil sharpener on the wall!

My kid doesn’t have these feelings of elation. Today, day four of school, I still had to wrestle my way out of his stronghold and flee the scene of this academic punishment I am inflicting on him. And, I’ll be honest, for as difficult as it seems to be for my little man, it’s really hard for me too. I so much want him to find joy in learning in a school setting. I watch him gobble up information from the world around him throughout the rest of the day. Why can’t he find this in a classroom setting? Why doesn’t he want to be there?

I think another, possibly bigger, element of the situation that really bothers me is making friends. As a card carrying introvert I don’t travel in packs of girlfriends. I have never had trouble having friends in my life, but I don’t accumulate them like accessories. I don’t tend to socialize with large groups of women and I don’t feel the need to be everyone’s friend. It’s cool – I love having my good, trusted, beloved friends. No drama. But, when I watch my introvert son navigate his way through the friendship building stage, my heart starts aching for him. I watched during his classroom open house as my son shyly ducked behind my legs when new people came into the classroom. When the coast seemed clear he would dart back to play with the classroom pirate set, alone. I observed the other little boys create a pack as they played together. I sat and listened to my child’s incredibly imaginative stories about superhero alien monsters as he took the toys flying around the classroom playing out elaborate scenes. And I waited for the moment when he would connect with just one kid. It didn’t come.

Sure, he said hello (under instruction) to other kids who came into the room. But they never asked him to join the fun and he never made the effort to join in either. I so desperately wanted one mom to make her child come ask mine to play. My encouragement to have him introduce himself is nothing compared to the invitation of a child. But nobody did.

One friend. I just want him to have one, really great friend in his class. One person he can guarantee will play with him, sit next to him, care if he shows up for class each day. One kid he can come home and ask me to have over for a playdate.

I admit, I am probably overreacting and being far too worried about the social life of a four (nearly five)-year-old. But I also know the importance of friendships and how they impact the building of your self-esteem. There are 24 kids in my son’s class this year and I really want him to feel like he is part of that group — I want him to have fun.

The truth is my child is smart, funny, creative and caring. He doesn’t need my worry to make him something special -he already is. I just need to allow him to navigate the seas of friendship – whether he is sailing solo or chooses to join the cruise ship – I know he will ultimately arrive safely on the other side. Now if I can only take that rational thinking and apply it to my emotional mom-heart.

 

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As I think it…

by sarah on July 26, 2014 · 0 comments

I have had no time to blog lately. Work, life, kids…you know the drill. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about things. I think. All. The. Time.

So, as I still can’t find the time to devote a blog entry to each of these topics, here is my random (emphasis on random) list of thoughts. *It should be noted ahead of reading this list that you very well may not agree with my thinking. But, oh well, it’s my blog ;)
- I can’t stand, as in my skin crawls, people who are so politically blinded that they can’t even try to imagine another’s beliefs on a topic. This goes across party lines.
- I think Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin have done immense damage to the female position in modern US politics.
- I wanted Augie to know a second language by five…we’re almost there (to age five) and my kid definitely does NOT know anything outside if “Adios” and “Cuidado” (thank you random Handy Manny episodes).
- Humble bragging is gross. If you want to brag about your genius toddler/kid/teenager…do it! Own that brag. Don’t try to mask it.
- I am disappointed to see people end up in the rat race of keeping up with the Joneses. I guess there is a little of that in all of us…but when I see it reflected in children’s perceptions of what life IS…it just bums me out.
- I don’t like bacon. Who cares. Stop declaring it the best-thing-ever. (We all know that the best thing ever is chocolate).
- I don’t know how women with children have real time to work out. I am truly, honestly baffled. Maybe if I had a reliable and regular daily schedule, or something…but it is a huge chore and challenge to find the time to carve out that isn’t after 9pm…at which time I start melting into a puddle of my former self.
- I just was fitted for running shoes (yeah, I did just follow above with a running shoe thought) and came to learn that I have been wearing at least one size too small in my shoes…and the wrong kind of shoe. Uh, oops.
- When I run I think of people who can’t or people who run in honor of others and it is the only thing that spurs me forward. I don’t enjoy running. I don’t get the rush. I don’t like to sweat. I don’t like running quotes posted over pretty sunsets/sunrises.
- I can already spot the preschoolers who will pick on other kids growing up. I know that is horrible to say…but you can tell. They have no issues alienating other preschoolers now. It sucks. It’s life…but not one if the fun parts.
- Augie’s imagination is thrilling and exhausting. Sometimes I have to tune out of the 40 minute “stories” so that I can get things done. I am obsessed with the four-year-old mind…but this mom needs a break now and then.
- I feel guilty for wanting a “real” (as defined by me) vacation when I did get to take a trip up into the mountains this year. But I want to relax…and may be able to argue that I NEED to relax. Bring me a drink and charge it to a room.
- After an ER trip for choking on chicken at a friend’s wedding (sweet move) and two separate endoscopies…they think I have Eosinophilic Esophagitis. Bad news…my esophagus is freakishly narrow (as small as an infants). Good news…steroids seem to be helping (I probably can’t be an Olympian now. Drat!). Bad news…the only way to really tell is more endoscopies. Good news…now I can truly declare I am not some weirdo just afraid of swallowing pills (they actually don’t fit. Doctors were surprised any food fits).
- Age 35 has been a bit of a physical B*tch if you ask me. Grateful for every day (truly)…but also a little stressed over the whole getting older and watching my body react. Surgery to correct damaged urethra from two pregnancies/deliveries- check. More moles removed than I probably even had at 25- check. Astigmatism and changing prescription that makes me still ineligable for corrective lasik- check. Random conditions I didn’t even know I could have (EE)- check. Wrinkles and age spots mixed with acne…ACNE!- check. Blaahhhh! Ugh.
- Home ownership is a lot of loving your home for the living experiences it affords your family with a heaping side of weed pulling, plumber phone calls and roof repair.
- I watched an over weight maybe-10-year-old girl thrown down a huge hamburger and giant cup of fries at 9am in the ATL airport. It made me sad, angry and grossed out (none of this aimed at her). Kids don’t really have the capacity to understand the full impact of good eating, safety, kindness, etc. But, parents/guardians DO! We owe our kids so much more than skipping the lessons on these topics. Not claiming I’m hitting it out if the ballpark, just acknowledging that our kids deserve to have parents who are actively in the game.
- I saw a fox walking behind us down the street the other day. Just strolling down the road, chill. I would make a bad fox. They are far cooler than I am.
- Russia is scary (and really always has been). Putin is like a horrible novel character that you would make fun of, if you didn’t realize he was frighteningly real and terrifyingly in control of weapons, troops that kill and the minds of so many people.
- I can’t even speak of the air accidents/tragedies lately. My heart aches. My anger burns. Children died.
- People who don’t give 100% effort in their job most of the time (nobody is perfect) don’t deserve their job. If you check out groceries…smile, work efficiently, consider those you impact, rule your checkout lane! If you run a huge bank…be honest, give back, consider those you impact, rule the opportunities you create! Regardless of your position…it is YOUR position. Represent yourself positively.
- I wish there were more movies like Goonies and less “celebrity” like the Kardashians. Entertain me. Don’t annoy me.
- In the hypothetical dream debate “private cook vs. cleaning crew”, cleaning crew will always win. Hands down.
-I pulled a weed from my front yard landscape on Thursday that was almost up to my elbow. Shame.
- I think anyone who wants or needs birth control (for birth control or other medical reasons) should be able to get it. And for cheap. Preventive medicine. And don’t get me started that erectile dysfunction drugs are covered by some plans now but birth control doesn’t have to be. All women should ROAR.
- Maternity leave in the US is the least funny joke pulled on women (and really, families). And you don’t even realize you’re being screwed until you’re staring down the barrel of the decisions you HAVE to make for your family and realizing your decision tree is more like a straight line drawn by a bunch of middle aged men. “Family” isn’t a campaign gimmick, politicians. It’s the foundation of a functioning and fruitful society. Respect it, encourage it through policy and watch it positively impact all other areas of this crazy world we live in.
- God loves ALL people. God welcomes ALL people. God judges all people…so people should stop stressing out so much about pushing their personal agendas and passing judgement based on individual interpretations and assumptions. It’s not OUR job. God’s got it covered.
- I can’t stand chevron print any longer. Please make it go away. That and high waisted pants, bold print leggings and purple hair.
The truth is, even when I am not writing, I am ALWAYS thinking. Random, Sarah thoughts.

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Summer time…and the living is CRAZY

by sarah on July 14, 2014 · 0 comments

We have one mode this summer… GO! It has been non-stop since before Memorial Day. And, based on my current chest cold and lack of voice, something has got to give. Travel, work, work-travel, weddings, and general summer activities have left me a puddle of my former self. Sure, I love the energy of the summer months, but aren’t these supposed to be the “lazy days”? Shouldn’t I be sipping something by a pool? Instead I am filling in expense reports at 10:30PM and catching flights at 4:30AM, juggling babysitting schedules and wondering if the roofer or plumber will show up first. Summer, you saucy lady.

As I listen to the hum of my oh-so-old printer slowly creating the above mentioned expense document from recent travel to Montreal, I am choosing to focus on the fun that has been enjoyed so far this summer. I will make sure to create a post sometime in the near future on all the obnoxiousness that has also ensued. Alas .

So.  Summer fun… Reunions, vacation, birthday celebrations and more.

Reunion Girlsdsc_0728_2 dsc_0943_2 dsc_0963_2 dsc_0433_2 a80_2 a83_2 dsc_0382_2 dsc_0391_2 a77_2 a74_2 a65_2 a60_2 a18_2 a20_2 a49_2 a59_2 a12_2 a11_2 a8_2

The truth is a little part of me wishes I was better about posting things and a lot of me is OK with just spending my little bit of “free time” trying to squeeze every moment out of these long summer days.

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Sleeping on a Caboose

by sarah on May 18, 2014 · 0 comments

Friday I gave Augie a dream day. I can’t say I do that often. I try to make every day count… but really working to create a magical day is kind of a lot of work. But Friday I think I delivered.

The day started out with Worthington’s Touch A Truck event. I watched with great amusement as Augie (and Meret) ran from School Bus to U-Haul, Fire Truck to Go-Cart, Helicopter to Trolley — It was pretty fantastic. While each “truck” was pretty exciting to check out, my favorite part of the morning was a little incident that took place while we watched the helicopter take off from an open field.

It has rained on an off for a few days, leaving the ground full of puddles and any grassy areas green and sloppy. I had taken Augie by the hand over to one such sloppy area so we could get a view of the helicopter as it made its takeoff. When it was well into the sky I started to pull Augie along with me, out of the slop and back to the parking lot full of trucks. I felt him pull away and I took a few steps forward before turning around to get him to follow me. When I turned I immediately looked down to find a smiling Augie, arms and legs spread out, sinking into the muddy slop. Every adult in the area just stood with their mouths agape, awaiting my reaction. And what did I do? I just laughed. It was hysterical. My kid was COVERED in mud from the back of his head to the bottoms of his feet… and he was having a blast.

So, after a morning of trucks and mud I completed Augie’s awesome day by sending him off with Dad to Hocking Hills where they would sleep on a Caboose with his best friend, Hudson, and his dad, Uncle Craig. Sleeping on a caboose!?!?! To a four-year-old this is only second to… well maybe nothing. It’s AMAZING!

Meret and I stayed home for the weekend to attend a bridal shower and have some girl time (read: window shopping after I put her in a cute dress). But the boys had a blast hiking, roasting marshmallows, sleeping in bunk beds and generally being little dudes. I am so happy they loved it.

The truth is, I love that my kid is in that period of his life where everything has the opportunity to be magical. I hope he holds onto that for a long time.

boys by waterfall 2 Caboose steps Caboose Sign 2back of caboose 2Caboose shotCaboose Sign 2Robot

Fire Truck

Helicotper 2 Trolly with mom

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Easter

by sarah on April 24, 2014 · 0 comments

What a wonderful Easter… so wonderful that I am still catching up (you should see our bedroom floor). The weekend held everything from landscaping to planetarium star watching to weddings to the ER (more on that later) to a beautiful Easter service at church to TWO family Easter dinners. I’m done.

Friday night Mike and I had a date to the OSU Planetarium to see their Spring Night Sky show. It was great… nerdy… but great. We ended up being done earlier than we thought, so we walked around a grocery store. Yep.

Saturday was full of mulching and weeding and throwing dirt around our yard. I wore Meret in a hiking carrier on my back while I mulched and spread dirt over tree roots. In theory this was genius – watch the kid, keep her happy, get it all done. In practice it hurt my back, took two times as long (at least) and at one point I just fell over… kind of like a turtle. Meret thought it was hilarious. Maybe it was.

Saturday night we were excited to see a long time (like, 30-years-long-time) friend say “I do!”. Another post to share how the night played out… but she was a gorgeous bride and her wedding was beautiful.

Sunday was all about celebrating Easter! We rose to find the Easter Bunny had left his loot. Then we headed off to church where Augie and Meret both made it known that sitting through an hour long service is not on their to-do list (usually they are in Sunday school and the nursery). Alas.

We followed church with a great lunch at my Dad’s house and then made the impromptu decision to head down to Cincinnati to catch the Kuhnell Family Easter Dinner! Yes, it was exhausting… but so worth it to see Augie running around with his cousins and having fun (Meret too).

Easter was wonderful.

The truth is I really am still tired. I feel like we are about a week behind on sleep (tack it on to the years we have racked up). But I wouldn’t change a thing. Cramming it all in has left us with great memories and smiles on our faces.

Here is some proof:

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The state of the world…

by sarah on April 17, 2014 · 0 comments

Augie and Meret Egg Hunt1 Augie Egg Hunt image (2) Augie and Meret Egg Hunt 3 Augie and Meret Egg hunt 2I’m in one of those times where I am going through the motions and getting it done. It’s not at all that I am not appreciating the journey; it’s just that the time to stop and smell the roses along the way is written into a schedule and then given a check mark once it’s completed. Life is busy. Life is good.

As with life anywhere on the planet, ours has been dealt some ups and downs lately.

Up – My kids are growing like little weeds. Vocabularies are blossoming. Meret loves to say “booof booof” every time we pass a dog and her “bye bye” is the sweetest sound my ears can hear. Augie is cracking himself up daily (sometimes hourly) with hilarious phrasing like calling me “shamPOO” … with added emphasis on the poo. He’s four. Nothing is more hilarious than the idea of saying the word poo.

Down – My 33-year-old cousin, John, passed away in March after suffering a series of strokes. It was sudden, it was unexpected and it is still very sad. We had a wonderful celebration of his life last Friday. People say it every time it happens, but it’s really too bad that it takes a funeral to pull all the family together at the same time. Nonetheless… it was wonderful to see so many loved ones at one time.

On a related note — a little story. The night of John’s Memorial Service a group of his cousins and his brother, Grant, went out to toast John at his favorite local bar. We sat around sharing stories and laughing. I think he would have enjoyed it.

John and I disagreed on any number of topics, but we always loved each other. One area we definitely did not share a position on was politics – ever. So, we are at the bar and wrapping up the evening when I go to pay for part of the tab. I reach into my wallet and the first bill I pull out has a little note written on the bottom (I love finding bills like that!). I start to read…, “A dead Reagan is better than any living Democrat. Reagan 2012″. BAM! John did it. Even in his absence he had somehow made his presence known. That Republican heavy dollar bill had ended up in his liberal cousin’s wallet — one last nudge. It made me smile.

Up – We have SPRING! I won’t lie, this winter really hurt my spirits. It turned into a day by day survival plan for me. I don’t think I have seasonal disorder… but I definitely don’t have winter happiness affliction. So to see leaves and flowers popping up has done my heart a lot of good. We even had three trees planted! My dad gifted us some wonderful trees as a Christmas gift this year (awesome gift by the way). I went out last week and picked them out at the nursery and they were installed on Monday. They are evergreen trees and they are wonderful.

Down – Money in, money out. That is how it feels. Doesn’t it feel like that for everyone? In two days I have spent over $400 on doctor bills knowing that more are coming. It know things in the world aren’t free. I am grateful we have such wonderful medical services to benefit from — but it still pains me every time I have to hand a card over to swipe away they money… for things I never want to go through in the first place. And I feel like they always happen at the beginning of the year. I seem to have medical procedures done in the early winter and spring (probably not helping my loathing of winter).

Up – It’s Easter! While Thanksgiving and Christmas (nearly tied) are my favorite holidays to celebrate, Easter is my favorite holiday for WHAT we are celebrating. It’s been interesting watching Augie pay more attention to the meaning of Easter this year. It’s a hard concept for adults to really wrap their heads around, so I can only imagine what he is taking in or missing at this point. We celebrate the Easter Bunny in our home, but he doesn’t trump Jesus and the price he paid for our lives.

Last Sunday I paraded around the sanctuary of church with holding Augie’s hand while he waved his palm branch. And this Sunday I look forward to singing with my kids as we celebrate the gift of life that Jesus gave us. Easter is a definite “Up”.

Down – … Oh who needs more downs…

Up – I get to work from home most of the time for the project I am currently completing for work… which means that bathroom breaks and making lunch and any time I want, I can pop my head out of my “office” (read: bedroom) and give my kiddos a hug. While this also has it’s down side, I like to look at it as a huge positive. Plus they are getting some great bonding time with my mom right now while she babysits them. They love their Grammy.

The truth is life is always full of ups and downs. Sometimes it’s so easy to get sucked into the whirl of negative and sadness, but there is always an up somewhere. I am incredibly thankful for my ups today.

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Life in pictures… March

by sarah on March 19, 2014 · 0 comments

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The truth is I am juggling lots and writing little (far less often than I would like) these days… but life is still happening – and I have a camera in my phone to prove it!

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Besides an allergy to listening-to-his-parents, Augie has made it four years without having an allergic reaction worth noting (he is allergic to some dogs… but not allergic enough to make a fuss about). So imagine my surprise when I fixed the kids scrambled eggs for lunch one day and glanced over to see Meret goofy-grinning herself through a rather obvious rash on her face.

Meret's face showcasing her allergic reaction to eggs :( Meret’s face showcasing her allergic reaction to eggs :(

After snapping the picture (because that is what Mom’s do these days to secure proof for doctor visits), I pulled the eggs away and tried to calm down the wild rash that was spreading all over Meret’s sweet face. Thankfully there wasn’t any other kind of allergic reaction taking place (breathing was normal, no food came back up, she seemed genuinely happy).

The nurse at our pediatrician’s office consulted with the doctor and sent us for some blood work. Now any parent of a small child knows it is nearly impossible to get that small child to sit still for a period of time. Try sticking a needle in her arm and expecting her to sit still! Luckily the pediatric nurses were pros and we didn’t suffer too long. I came prepared with one of Meret’s soft blankets (she LOVES blankets) and held her close as they poked and prodded. It seemed to do the trick (and muffle the screaming).

After waiting a few days, it was confirmed that Meret has a slight allergy to egg whites (just whites… OK). I feel like we were really lucky with that result.  And, the test was able to rule out allergies to wheat, peanuts, milk, etc… the other common allergies in young children.

So we wait. At Meret’s 18 month appointment we will be back in for more testing to see if there has been any change. As with so many elements of childhood, kids can outgrow allergies. I am hoping this is the case with Meret. Who doesn’t like a nice omelet now and then?

The truth is we ARE super lucky that our kids have, so far, skirted major allergies. I feel for my friends and their children that deal with the daily threat of common foods like peanuts. If Meret’s burden is skipping eggs during brunch, we can handle that.

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