The Truthful Mom

Before having Augie I wasn’t sure what to expect from breastfeeding. I basically approached breastfeeding thinking two things – 1) It was the “right” thing to do for my child  (because I had been told this by multiple sources and 2) I wanted to give it my best shot, but wasn’t going to put too much pressure on myself if it didn’t work out. And now that I am two kids deep into the process, there is SO much more I think about the topic. So I thought I might share some of my thinking with you.

• Moo. – Breastfeeding makes you feel like a cow. I don’t care if you are burning calming candles, wearing your child in a sling and forgoing bras and deodorant to provide the most natural experience for your child — YOU will still be reduced down to a set of nipples and a clock telling you when to whip them out. It’s the way it works.
• The process is time consuming. – Here is a quick glimpse of my morning today as it relates to breastfeeding. Meret woke up earlier than expected at 5:45am. I kept shoving a pacifier in her mouth until about 6am, hoping she would stretch out so my master schedule of feeding times would still work — it didn’t. At 6am I fed her on both sides. So much milk was coming out that she kept choking, leaving me covered in milk and one screaming baby. I showered, which led to more let-down of milk. I then had to track down breast pads to wear in my bra so that I wouldn’t leak all over my clothing when more milk came in (because it always does come in). Because the schedule was thrown off, I had to add in a pumping session before I left for work. At 8am I stood over the counter in the kitchen with my robe thrown open pumping. Augie stood below me asking me what I was “squirting”. I (for the 100th time) explained that I was making milk for Meret so she would have something to eat later. He seemed satisfied and went back to his Cheerios. I finished pumping, made a bottle that I had to store in a cooler bag for the sitter, cleaned all the pump parts and packed the pump away so I could take it to work with me… to pump again in another 3-4 hours. Breastfeeding is a job.
• It is a private thing you will have to do publicly. – I have had to pump and/or feed in the following places: in a bathroom stall, in the car, on a plane, in an airport, at a Starbucks, at a restaurant table, in my bedroom, in my bathroom, in my family room, in my kitchen, on an Epcot bench, while walking (this was a HUGE challenge), while sitting in the park in the grass, while sitting on a friend’s bed, … if the baby is hungry or the boobs are full, you find a place.
• You will feel unclean through the process. – It doesn’t matter how many showers I take, how many layers of protection I put in place, how much effort I extend to avoid it — I will always feel like I am covered and smell like milk. Babies are messy little creatures. They like to whip their heads around while holding your breast in their mouth. They like to spit up in the opposite direction from where you are holding the burp cloth. You will become self conscious that people smell breast milk on you. You will be paranoid.
• Your freezer will never be big enough. – Unless you never leave your child ever (in which case you may want to consider a break — seriously) you will need to have some stored milk on hand. “Liquid Gold” is what they call it. It is. And just like gold, you have to store it in a safe place. This place happens to be your freezer. Because milk takes up space you will soon find yourself debating whether you should get rid of the “Liquid Gold” or the frozen peas. Is it the tub of ice cream or three future meals for your baby. Here is a hint… you will not be eating ice cream for awhile — the baby always wins.
• Your boobs will feel different until you stop. – Everyone knows that in the beginning your breasts go through a lot of changes as they become engorged, preparing for the real process of breastfeeding to begin. But nobody ever talks about the fact that these twinges, fullness, slight pains, etc. last the entire time you breastfeed. You won’t have a day where you won’t be keenly aware that your breasts are a tool to feed your child. You can’t take a day off from breastfeeding without serious consequences to your breasts. You will be reminded in odd moments that your boobs are needed by your baby. Perhaps it’s sitting an hour and a half into a movie — your breasts will get a tingle and fill. Maybe you have finished a rough feeding with your little one and your nipples will ache and shoot with pain from the gumming that took place. You may hear a baby cry in the mall and your breasts will let down. Every day you will feel the process of breastfeeding.
• Your lingerie will be ugly. – They make “pretty” nursing bras — but they are about as functional as platform sneakers. Your go-to bras will be nude colored, cotton and lacking much of the support you would typically seek. But they will allow quick access, easy cleaning and a consistent milk supply. Perky, pretty boobs covered in beautiful lingerie are in the future and the past — never in the breastfeeding present.

There are so many more things to share. But like most of parenting, they are things you just have to experience for yourself.

What it boils down to is that breastfeeding is hard work. But like any other thing that relates to your child — it’s work you are not only willing to do, but will likely want to do. I acknowledge that breastfeeding isn’t for everyone (it’s just not, and that is OK), but it is right for me.

The truth is, ugly bras, milk shirts, painful nipples and embarrassing Starbucks visits haven’t stopped me yet. It’s just part of this rewarding challenge that is motherhood.

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